I am changing. The world is changing. And I don’t know what it or I am changing into. It has already changed so much. Barely even realizing it, it has changed right before my very eyes. As I mature, I am seeing more of it. What has been, what was and what might be maybe. There is so so so so much to learn, be aware of, practice, listen to, see, touch, taste…..so so much is everywhere and it’s great when we think we have a hold on it and it’s okay when we jump gleefully into the mystery and it’s even mysteriously wonderful when we fall head first into a black hole with an Aurora Borealis sized chunk of metal that we hit are head against painfully, gladly.
Often through my life or actually just since about 18 I have felt this radiating urge to do something to better the world, to help people, to serve the planet in some way. And this has followed me around only increasing in whispers, nudges, hints, motivations, and even desperate depression and scared-ego stupors. It’s sort of doing that right now. There is this part of me that REALLY wants to retreat; to pick up where my sixteen-year-old drugged and free-falling emo self was and just float around and, in a way, TBH (haha this is the cool kids way of saying TO BE HONEST) I still do that :O
But there is this other part of me. I don’t know if it’s the mom part of me. Or the 18-year-old Martyr part of me. Or the Maya Angelou ‘Tell my story and make some waves’ part of me. Or the entrepreneur ‘make some money’ part of me. Or the Mother Theresa ‘these kids need some fun, love, food, and compassion’ part of me. All these parts of me that make up this whole of me are screaming lately, “Just do Something!!! Who cares if you fail, (I mean honestly besides your ego that feels embarrassment for perhaps a full minute before finding something else to hold you back from) because if nothing is done and you fail nothing is done and no one will remember and maybe no one will even be left to blame me for it? Not even my curious, confusing, sometimes cute and definitely critical borderline cynical ego.
So, something tells me I have to weave all this heavy, amateur, silly, sick, sweet, and thinks-she-knows-it-all-but-only-kind-of-and-it-doesn’t-really-matter-does-it? Self into someone that does stuff about these things that are going on around here. Some of them are great. Some of them are wrong. And most of them-us are just moving along. Not to fix anything, not really for that…because I think something else has a hold on that; God, perhaps. Just for my own selfish fulfillment I guess; and to do something with all this time, and parts, and pieces floating around here