It’s Christmas Eve. Today kicks off the last week of the year 2019. That would seem to be kind of a weird night to be thinking about issues such as sexual assault, generational and medical trauma, and family separation; wouldn’t it? I would think so too if it didn’t happen to be exactly what I’m quite concerned with most days; especially today. And I’ve got to be honest about this, it’s really hard to sit down and write about it here. What I sort of want to do instead is curl up in a ball on a soft cushion somewhere in the dark and cry about it until I fall asleep; wake up in the morning eighty percent numb and twenty percent pacified, distract myself with Christmas gear until the drone of everyday necessity settles back in and I can go with the “I’m busy with…I’ll get to it soon…I need to meditate more…”
Fortunately, I am feeling just stable, cheery, and effectively sad enough to sit here and do my best at an attempt to make something harmonious, or at least helpful, out of a completely horrendous human hellhole. That is to say, in another way, I have intense experience with the trio of terror listed above in such a way I feel I may have a piece of the puzzle that may serve as a remedy. Along with that, I am hoping that while my wounds are deep- their healing has left scars of wisdom; and while my tears are fresh- my attentive reflection of the personal pain and societal scope has uniquely positioned me in this space to be of service and relate in a way that assists in the mending of our collective heart. Let me be very clear here: that this is a mysterious journey and that I am still processing.
What spirit has made clear to me through my processes is that I have my own purpose and key on the Earth within the realm of communication, relationships, sex and sovereignty. With that knowledge, my quest is to release fear, and “Let It Go” just enough to “Keep Going” along my path… (Oh my, such contradicting advice life throws at us…) Even when it’s Christmas and I just want everything to be right, at least better, or stomp my feet, squeal, and sleep it off until a better day. You know what I mean?
But Alas, it is the closing of a decade. And for me, it feels, the culmination of three chapters of my life. From the Christmas, I believe in ’98, when I was receiving Chemotherapy and while home celebrating got so many gifts from my dad’s co-workers while my siblings got mostly socks. The second chapter began in Christmas of 2009 before having any children, but also has coalescing significance Christmas of 2011 after having my first son; which may mean the book continues… And a three-year chapter since the Christmas of 2016 which marked the spelling of the end of me living with my children’s father and the beginning of the escalation of my healing journey.
This year, even with the healing, I am still having discomfort at being separated from my parenting partner accompanied with feelings of despair and rage at the paradox of wanting to be with him while also wanting nothing, nothing, nothing to do with him. Ten years later, I am still feeling the shock and grief of what occurred in my life just four months after Christmas of 2009 in the month of April, near Easter. Twenty-one years ago, I was treated for bone cancer, had my left pelvis replaced by metal, and my body’s symmetry was forever disfigured leaving me with a permanent mobility impairment-- but even more cumbersome than that, is the lasting sexual and emotional shame and insecurity.
That is why I’ve decided to write. Not because 2020 is a brand-new year and I have a crystal-clear vision for myself. One that encompasses my family life, my purpose, my career and my love life. Although, that would be great if I did, and I could sit here wasting my time and yours pretending that I do. It just wouldn’t be true. I write because I’ve asked spirit to help me with these issues; with this lack of clarity, of safety, of love, of health. I write because spirit has advised me to face my reality head-on and heart-full, to explore this Wounded-Well Wisdom even more intently so as to share my journey (relevant past chapters and current) with the masses who have and who are experiencing the same or similar energies.
And through this writing it has come to my attention that any resolutions, any vision board manifestations, any mind-body-and-soul successful career I may hope for during 2020 or 2022 or 2025 will not come from hiding from my past, or closing off from those decades and “starting a new life” or “transforming myself” or “transitioning into a new mindset, a new story.” Any (if I am lucky) and All (if I am luckier) of my hopes and dreams will only be possible if I actively engage in reconciling with my experiential wisdom gained from my past and completely and totally participate in writing a happy ending to the story we’ve ALL already been living.
Here is to the cycle of death and rebirth
To Be Continued...